Saturday, August 04, 2007

How To Order Jimmy Johns Like A Pro

It's lunchtime. Your hungry, and as you're driving down the road you spot a Jimmy Johns, and decide to pull in for a sandwich. Here's how to be the best freakin' customer ever:

First off, we're not Subway. We don't have soup, we don't have salad, and we can't toast your sub. We have sandwiches, drinks, chips, cookies, and pickles. That's it.

Second, we're not Subway. You tell us what sub you want and what fixins you want, and pay for it first. We don't hold your hand through the sandwich making process, and this is why we can get your sub to you in 15-30 seconds after you place your order.

Third, we're not freakin' Subway. We have three different "bread" choices: 8" French, 7-Grain Wheat, and Lettuce Wrap. We have six different kinds of meat: Vito (salami & capicola), Kick Ass Roast Beef (it actually says "Kick Ass" on the box), Turkey, Ham, Bacon and Tuna. We have only one kind of cheese: provolone. For veggies we have tomato, cucumber, onion, alfalfa sprouts, and cherry peppers. For condiments we have mayo, dijon mustard, vinagrette, and avacado spread.

Having said all that, if you come in and ask for a Chicken Bacon and Ranch sub, I will laugh at you.

PRO TIP: If you purchase day old bread, it's gonna be hard. Hence the name, "Day Old". It's only $0.50. Don't come in and complain about it being too hard, as we won't care, and all the other customers will be laughing at you. If you want fresh bread, pony up and pay for fresh bread.

Fourth, if you order a slim sandwich, it comes with meat and possibly cheese. That's it. The only free things we can give you to go with it are mayo and mustard packets.

SUPER SECRET SANDWICH ALERT!!! Jimmy John's says they have 18 sandwiches. There are 19 on the cash registers. If you're feeling adventurous, order a Slim BLT. Chances are noone will know what the hell you're talking about, unless they're a store manager, as this sandwich isn't taught to regular employees. It's 8" of bread with six slices of bacon stuffed inside. And yes, I have seen someone order this. Once.

After you've ordered your sandwich, approximately 30 seconds later you should have your sandwich. So you go and sit down, open up your sub and discover that something is wrong. Don't freak out, just come up to us, politely and calmly tell us the problem, and we will add/subtract/make your sandwich over again right quick.

Finally, if you choose to eat your sandwich in shop, don't complain to us about the volume of the music. We cant change it (well we can, but corporate sets the volume, and we can get in trouble if we change it). If you call the girl working the counter a "little brat" after she explains this to you, you are a horrible, haggard old bitch.

Lets try a different scenario. It's 9 at night, you've been playing Final Fantasy all day long, and you just don't feel like making yourself something to eat, so you decide to order yourself some food. Here's how to keep your driver happy for excellent service (assuming you get the same driver) in the future, because drivers do remember people.

First off, when you call the store, just tell us why you're calling (order for deliver, order for pickup, need to place a catering order, need to talk to somebody, etc.) If your order is for pickup, you must be ordering a minimum of five sandwiches. If you're calling for a delivery, don't start saying what exactly you want to order right away, because the person you're talking to will need some information first:

Name: just a first name is fine.

Address: We need a street and a number. If an apartment building, we need an apartment number, and a buzz code if it's different than the apartment number (I'm looking at you Ashley Ln.). If it's a business, a business name is helpful, though not necessary. If it's a large business or an office building, tell us where in the building to go.

Phone number: include the area code please. It doesn't matter what number you give us, as long as you can be reached there.

Cross-street: you may be asked for a cross-street, so the driver can narrow down a good route to get to you. Be as accurate as possible. For example, if you live on 2nd Ave. and 6th St., don't say you're cross street is Southview (Kelli, I'm looking in your direction). At this point you may be told that you are out of our delivery area. No we can't go out of the area, even for a big tip. If you want to walk into the area and meet us, we can do that. Also, you may be in a dead zone where no Jimmy Johns deliver to you. Sorry (if we know of one that does, we'll try to let you know).

For those that live on Motor Ave, SSP: screw you all, you're blacklisted. Yes, there is a blacklist. Ashley Ln. you're on thin ice.

Then, the person taking your order will ask what they can get for you. Let loose. Tell 'em exactly what you want. If you've never ordered from us before, we'll try to walk you through it. Some caveats: we can't deliver large pops, a sub on wheat costs $0.50 more, and we won't put lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes or onions on the side. If you want to have two kinds of soda mixed, we can do that.

After you've said what you want, you'll be given a total, and asked if you want to pay with cash or credit. We can't take checks (unless they are business checks), and if you tell us (at least West. St. Paul) that we used to take them, you're a goddamned liar. If you decide to pay with credit, the person taking your order will tell you when they are ready for your card number and expiration date. You may also be asked if you want to leave a tip for the driver. If you are paying cash, let us know if you need change.

Congratulations, you've just placed an order with Jimmy John's. Now comes the hardest part.

How long should you be waiting for your sandwich? Jimmy John's says that a delivery should take a maximum of 20 minutes (THIS IS NOT A GUARANTEE). On a good day, I can have your order out to you in 5-10 minutes. If it's busy, 30 at the outside. If it's been forty minutes, by all means feel free to call and ask us where your food is. The absolute longest I've ever taken on a delivery is an hour and fifteen minutes (that was the third day I worked delivery, a Saturday, by myself, with six deliveries to make. That person got there order promo'ed. The next time I took a delivery to her it took 7 minutes).

SIDENOTES: 1) We ask you for a phone number for a reason. Don't turn off your cell phone, and then complain when it's been an hour and you don't have your food. PROBLEMS HAPPEN. 2) Although we take fax orders, I highly recommend you DON'T fax in an order. There is a very good chance we won't notice it for a few hours.

Finally, you hear a knocking on your door. Your sandwich has arrived. It's been fifteen minutes since you placed your order, so how much do you tip? Although tipping is not required, a good tipper is remembered. Bad tippers are too. What I recommend/expect/seems to be average is $1 per sandwich, up to four or five dollars. If you are a poor tipper (say a $20+ order and no tip), and a driver has multiple deliveries, you will be moved to the bottom of his list.

Cofession time: drivers do earn commission. It's %4.7 on everything we deliver,which on a slow day, doesn't even cover gas. We also earn less than people who work in-shop.

If you payed with a credit card, we require a signature on credit card slips. We can't leave orders payed for with a credit card on your doorstep. Seeecrets: it doesn't matter who signs the slip, we just need a signature. Nobody checks. We're also supposed to look at your drivers license and credit card. I've only ever done that once, because nobody had a pen.

If you pay with cash, nothing pisses a driver off more than paying with a handful of spare change. Also, if, for example, you place a $12 order and pay with a twenty, tell us how much change you want back. I'm not stupid, and I know that 20-12=8. It's a subtle hint, jackass, that the driver would like a tip. If you need your change, say you need your change back.

After all that, the driver leaves and you rip open your bag, only to find that your sandwich has onions and you're missing your bag of BBQ Jimmy Chips. Please, call us back. Calmly and politely explain the problem. You will likely be given two options: either you can choose to be put on the promo log, in which case the next time you come in or order you can get whatever was screwed up for free. Or you can choose to have the items brought back out to you. If you are polite I will gladly (no sarcasm) bring your stuff back out to you as soon as is humanly possible. Hey, I make mistakes, and I know how frustrating it can be to not get what you want.

If you call back because YOU screwed up your order, and start yelling and screaming at us over the phone, we'll redliver your sandwich to you. However: we will be taking the other sandwich back with us (I don't care that you "already threw it in the trash", you're not getting a free sandwich out of us, unless you are super nice), we will only bring out your new sandwich when we have absolutely nothing else to do ("we were super busy"), and your new sandwich will be thrown as hard as possible against the door of the drivers car.

All in all, there are very few things that will actually, seriously piss me off. Swearing at me because your drunk and can't tell me what apartment you're in, and verbally abusing me or my co-workers is about it. If you do this, you will be blacklisted.

Bon Appetite.


Blogger D-£ said...

How should I handle it when I order some food for myself and a co-worker, and the staff at Jimmy Johns (specifically Grand Ave) are to baked to remember taking the order and it never makes it to me?

5:58 AM  
Anonymous Dj said...

Wow... 4.7%? That's not quite a quarter per sandwich! I <3 Jimmy Johns, order a few times a week on a busy week or when I'm on call at work and can't leave for lunch. When I order at work, I always make sure to order just before or just after the lunch rush, and it's like clockwork. I can step up to the reception area 5 minutes after I place the online order and BAM! I walk in there the same time as the driver usually. At home, it takes a lot longer, but the store is nearly 5 miles from my house. It's still way quicker to order than to drive out to the store, go through drive-thru and then drive home. I always chat with the drivers if they're not in a rush, and always tip good ($2 on a 1-sandwich order is the least I'll tip, even if it took a LONG time to get here). You guys have to pay for gas and wear and tear on the cars, and we all know Jimmy Johns doesn't really pay y'all for that. Keep up the good work, love you guys!

9:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ buddy take a break. You'll be playing russian roulette by yourself just for fun if you keep it up.

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

20 sandwiches - I ordered a JJ Gargantuan one and the clerk asked if I wanted a Noah's Ark instead - which is a JJ Gargantuan w/ double the meat - Sandwich took forever to eat but so worth it.

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

fuck you, jimmy johns sucks and so do you for being such a tool and working there, the volume is set by corporate, be a man and fucking satisfy your customers for once

7:11 PM  
Anonymous Bev said...

Your blog made me laugh! I was searching the internet to see how long a Jimmy John's delivery should actually take and came across this blog and was humored by it. Your perspective was funny and I enjoyed it. Our JJ's is fabulously fast when you order from their counter but deliveries are extremely slow. Our business is only a couple of miles away at best but everytime we order it takes at least an hour to get our food. Thanks for sharing your perspective and for making me laugh today.

10:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I believe this writer actually said what all foodservice employees should be able to say to any customer. The world has rules and cultural expectations, and if you, as a "customer" cannot abide by them (and act like everybody owes you), then stay home and stay alone. I love this posting! I may "share" it on Facebook!

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One more protip for customers:
If you live in an apartment complex that requires a code to open the exit gate, please provide that code to your driver. He needs to get back to the store.

6:34 PM  
Blogger keatonandrew said...

Not all JJ's drivers earn commission.... a VERY important point. I work in Atlanta and get 0% commission and below minimum wage. It's up to me to bike or drive fast enough to make more money than the other guys. Hell, my store has eleven delivery drivers during lunch rush...

12:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear anonymous ^^, you're an idiot. Jimmy Johns is godly.

6:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sound like a powerful, respected, successful person. Just kidding. You work at Jimmy John's. If you weren't prepared to be someone's bitch, maybe get a job where it isn't the actual job description. You have a job because you are there to SERVE the customer's needs. Tool.

11:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, you're a tool. I placed an order with the same jimmy johns I've been using for over a year now. I tip very well! and this time the "manager" informed me he couldn't deliver to me because we were outside of limits. The "limit" funny thing is is only 1/5th of a mile from my home. So I believe he was lying to me just to not have to deliver. So you know what? Fuck you guys, and you're pathetic for even thinking you're important by writing this. Get a better job and then have something to bitch about. I'm a military member, talk about stuff to bitch about, people like you that's a start for me. Good job guy on being a moron.

2:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone takes his sammich making VERY seriously.

How sad.

1:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's good service jackass... The main way to make money in just about any business... Think those corporate giants made so much money off selling things to people that hate them? Probably not

12:31 PM  
Blogger KDub said...

I seriously enjoyed reading this post! I don't work at JJ, but I worked at restaurants in high school and I can understand what you're going through. It's nice to have a blog to refer to so I don't make a mistake as a customer to ANOTHER HUMAN BEING so they're day can go by a little bit better because one customer was polite. Thanks for posting this, it helps us all think about becoming a little bit more respectful and understanding when it comes to ordering. I mean, JJ IS ridiculously fast!

11:31 AM  
Blogger KDub said...

To those "anonymous" jerks who posted comments on your blog... face the internet like a man and don't go "ANON" when making ridiculous comments. There's a reason why you put anon instead of you're actual name.

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


2:38 PM  
Anonymous Tom said...

Clearly you two haven't had any service experience. 99% of people are reasonable to deliver to, most of them love JJs and all our drivers.

The majority of shit was aimed at the 1% of people - those 1% that take up 30% of your time and 100% of your negative thoughts.... at least that is how I perceived this.

So, to you two assholes who probably tip $0.25 on a 3 sandwich order, who tell me a cookie is molded when it is clearly just still frozen, who give me 4 phone numbers on the receipt and get pissed when I just ask reception for the person instead of calling them directly.

No, until you've worked service you don't understand the level of stupidity in these 1% of asswipes.

As a big-city JJ's bicycle deliverer, I'm with you 100%
...except slims do NOT get free condiments - that's a big no-no.

11:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I liked it. At least you were HONEST! Lol.

7:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FUCK YOU HATERS. jimmy johns is awesome. I appreciate every employee that has a part in getting my delicious subs. it's always super speedy as well. so to the author thank you for all your hard work. to the commentators, go fuck yourself.

9:52 AM  
Anonymous Gabi said...

The mean people posted anonymously so you couldn't find them. X)

Nice post :) I started worked at JJ's a few weeks ago.~ I feel prettymuch the same about everything here.

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry people can be so hateful and rude. In ten years I have never had one single issue @ jjs. And I eat there at least several times a month at many different locations.

7:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thats the good thing about jimmy johns though. The customer is USUALLY right. But we have our own way of doing things, i'm sorry if you expect silence while eating your sandwich. Thats rediculous. Just get in and gtfo.

3:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey hes completely right. Im a delivery driver and I make bank and have a great time. JJ is really a gift to mankind.

6:08 PM  
Anonymous Sandwich Slave said...

Wow, you all are ass holes. I worked at Jimmy Johns for 6 months before I could find somewhere else to work. There isn't a single person that actually WANTS to be working there. It sucks. I was even sexually harassed by a corporate rep, but couldn't do anything about it because I had bills to pay. It's people like you all that cause posts like this. You feel entitled to whatever you want just because it's "our job to serve you." While that may be the case, it's not our job to take verbal abuse from every entitled ass-hole that wants a sandwhich(and wants it RIGHT NOW). We don't get paid enough to give a shit about your food. We're nice so that we'll get better tips (us drivers make LESS than min. wage), and if you tip us well, we really are grateful. So shut up and show some respect to the people who decide if there is spit in your food or not.

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sarcasm is fine along with little jokes but this was just inexplicably rude.

5:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

V Those guys are assholes. this sounds pretty fuckin reasonable to me.

1:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apparently some people dont get the rules of jimmy johns or the fact that people in retail or fast food are not slaves nor servants.

9:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

THis is fucking stupid cause everything you said jimmy johns "doesnt do" they fucking do. get of your got damn high horse.

6:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love how people think its okay to treat people like trash because they make more money. No one who delivers any food is your "bitch". Most people I know who are delivering are paying their way through college. Have some goddamn respect for the service industry.

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I enjoyed this. Thank you. Also: I think that jimmy johns & subway are very different. You guys are more vegan and vegitarian oriented. And fresh. Subway doesn't really seem fresh. But thank you! My food is fantastic. :)

3:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! I worked in the food industry for many years most of those years I was a gm and an owner of Subway.. yes, not Jimmy John's but I still know what I'm talking about. If I had a jerk of an employee like yourself you would be put in your place and out on your ass. You obviously have never been in a managerial positron or you would know this kind of attitude gets you no where. probably why you are only a less than minimum wage employee.

6:52 PM  
Blogger Eric Skamarycz said...

Posting as anonymous and talking shit. That's pretty bad ass bro. Enjoy subway.

12:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuck this last comment ^

Working for a restaurant doesn't make you someone's bitch, and anyone who thinks it does should get shit in their sandwich. Delivery drivers and sandwich makers are as human as anyone else, and will reciprocate respect if they receive it. As someone who has worked in the service industry, let me tell you, 99% of all servers genuinely want to do a good job, and satisfy their customers. The main cause of problems with orders is the snooty, entitled customer, who thinks their 6.25 buys them a sandwich and the privilege to treat their server like shit.

3:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FUCK YEA. Those of you who commented and said anything bad, fuck you. Jimmy Johns is bomb and fast. You got a problem then as Jimmy John would say fuck off we don't need your business anyway bitch.

Note to the blogger: Well done. I worked at JJ and this all sounds perfect to me!

11:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate working food service. We used to sell 16 pieces of chicken at a deli for only 9 bucks. Had a woman call in and say the chicken was raw. It wasn't, I still had some from that same batch in the hot box, cooked perfectly. They made me give her new chicken and when asked where the old chicken was she said "I gave it to my dogs" yeah, liar.

5:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I work at jimmy johns and this is the most accurate funniest shit ive seen. Thanks for the laugh.

11:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You cut bread in half and put toppings on it for a living. If you do not wish to deal with drunks and idiots, you should find a career where the demographic can perform these tasks themselves.

4:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for writing this! It is so true! (This opinion was shared with all of my fellow co-workers.) Just because we make minimum wage while working in the customer service business is not an excuse for total and complete lapses in common sense and human decency on the customer's part. Yeah, it sucks that you had a horrible day. And yeah, we serve as your almost-loyal bitches. But Taking it out on me is amusing at best, and won't actually solve your problems. Next time you feel inclined to do so anyways, please remember that WE MAKE THE FOOD THAT YOU INTEND TO CONSUME. :)

7:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amazing. Just amazing.

1:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my god those comments.

This was a good blog post. Thank you for writing it.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sound like a complete corporate tool. Jimmy John's is the grossest most pretentious sandwich shack around. I would rather go to Subway any day of the week.

11:59 AM  

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