How Many Frat Boys Does It Take...

...for a restaurant to run out of wings on all-you-can eat wing night?

Apparently, only 16.

How To Order Jimmy Johns Like A Pro

It's lunchtime. Your hungry, and as you're driving down the road you spot a Jimmy Johns, and decide to pull in for a sandwich. Here's how to be the best freakin' customer ever:

First off, we're not Subway. We don't have soup, we don't have salad, and we can't toast your sub. We have sandwiches, drinks, chips, cookies, and pickles. That's it.

Second, we're not Subway. You tell us what sub you want and what fixins you want, and pay for it first. We don't hold your hand through the sandwich making process, and this is why we can get your sub to you in 15-30 seconds after you place your order.

Third, we're not freakin' Subway. We have three different "bread" choices: 8" French, 7-Grain Wheat, and Lettuce Wrap. We have six different kinds of meat: Vito (salami & capicola), Kick Ass Roast Beef (it actually says "Kick Ass" on the box), Turkey, Ham, Bacon and Tuna. We have only one kind of cheese: provolone. For veggies we have tomato, cucumber, onion, alfalfa sprouts, and cherry peppers. For condiments we have mayo, dijon mustard, vinagrette, and avacado spread.

Having said all that, if you come in and ask for a Chicken Bacon and Ranch sub, I will laugh at you.

PRO TIP: If you purchase day old bread, it's gonna be hard. Hence the name, "Day Old". It's only $0.50. Don't come in and complain about it being too hard, as we won't care, and all the other customers will be laughing at you. If you want fresh bread, pony up and pay for fresh bread.

Fourth, if you order a slim sandwich, it comes with meat and possibly cheese. That's it. The only free things we can give you to go with it are mayo and mustard packets.

SUPER SECRET SANDWICH ALERT!!! Jimmy John's says they have 18 sandwiches. There are 19 on the cash registers. If you're feeling adventurous, order a Slim BLT. Chances are noone will know what the hell you're talking about, unless they're a store manager, as this sandwich isn't taught to regular employees. It's 8" of bread with six slices of bacon stuffed inside. And yes, I have seen someone order this. Once.

After you've ordered your sandwich, approximately 30 seconds later you should have your sandwich. So you go and sit down, open up your sub and discover that something is wrong. Don't freak out, just come up to us, politely and calmly tell us the problem, and we will add/subtract/make your sandwich over again right quick.

Finally, if you choose to eat your sandwich in shop, don't complain to us about the volume of the music. We cant change it (well we can, but corporate sets the volume, and we can get in trouble if we change it). If you call the girl working the counter a "little brat" after she explains this to you, you are a horrible, haggard old bitch.


Lets try a different scenario. It's 9 at night, you've been playing Final Fantasy all day long, and you just don't feel like making yourself something to eat, so you decide to order yourself some food. Here's how to keep your driver happy for excellent service (assuming you get the same driver) in the future, because drivers do remember people.

First off, when you call the store, just tell us why you're calling (order for deliver, order for pickup, need to place a catering order, need to talk to somebody, etc.) If your order is for pickup, you must be ordering a minimum of five sandwiches. If you're calling for a delivery, don't start saying what exactly you want to order right away, because the person you're talking to will need some information first:

Name: just a first name is fine.

Address: We need a street and a number. If an apartment building, we need an apartment number, and a buzz code if it's different than the apartment number (I'm looking at you Ashley Ln.). If it's a business, a business name is helpful, though not necessary. If it's a large business or an office building, tell us where in the building to go.

Phone number: include the area code please. It doesn't matter what number you give us, as long as you can be reached there.

Cross-street: you may be asked for a cross-street, so the driver can narrow down a good route to get to you. Be as accurate as possible. For example, if you live on 2nd Ave. and 6th St., don't say you're cross street is Southview (Kelli, I'm looking in your direction). At this point you may be told that you are out of our delivery area. No we can't go out of the area, even for a big tip. If you want to walk into the area and meet us, we can do that. Also, you may be in a dead zone where no Jimmy Johns deliver to you. Sorry (if we know of one that does, we'll try to let you know).

For those that live on Motor Ave, SSP: screw you all, you're blacklisted. Yes, there is a blacklist. Ashley Ln. you're on thin ice.

Then, the person taking your order will ask what they can get for you. Let loose. Tell 'em exactly what you want. If you've never ordered from us before, we'll try to walk you through it. Some caveats: we can't deliver large pops, a sub on wheat costs $0.50 more, and we won't put lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes or onions on the side. If you want to have two kinds of soda mixed, we can do that.

After you've said what you want, you'll be given a total, and asked if you want to pay with cash or credit. We can't take checks (unless they are business checks), and if you tell us (at least West. St. Paul) that we used to take them, you're a goddamned liar. If you decide to pay with credit, the person taking your order will tell you when they are ready for your card number and expiration date. You may also be asked if you want to leave a tip for the driver. If you are paying cash, let us know if you need change.

Congratulations, you've just placed an order with Jimmy John's. Now comes the hardest part.

How long should you be waiting for your sandwich? Jimmy John's says that a delivery should take a maximum of 20 minutes (THIS IS NOT A GUARANTEE). On a good day, I can have your order out to you in 5-10 minutes. If it's busy, 30 at the outside. If it's been forty minutes, by all means feel free to call and ask us where your food is. The absolute longest I've ever taken on a delivery is an hour and fifteen minutes (that was the third day I worked delivery, a Saturday, by myself, with six deliveries to make. That person got there order promo'ed. The next time I took a delivery to her it took 7 minutes).

SIDENOTES: 1) We ask you for a phone number for a reason. Don't turn off your cell phone, and then complain when it's been an hour and you don't have your food. PROBLEMS HAPPEN. 2) Although we take fax orders, I highly recommend you DON'T fax in an order. There is a very good chance we won't notice it for a few hours.

Finally, you hear a knocking on your door. Your sandwich has arrived. It's been fifteen minutes since you placed your order, so how much do you tip? Although tipping is not required, a good tipper is remembered. Bad tippers are too. What I recommend/expect/seems to be average is $1 per sandwich, up to four or five dollars. If you are a poor tipper (say a $20+ order and no tip), and a driver has multiple deliveries, you will be moved to the bottom of his list.

Cofession time: drivers do earn commission. It's %4.7 on everything we deliver,which on a slow day, doesn't even cover gas. We also earn less than people who work in-shop.

If you payed with a credit card, we require a signature on credit card slips. We can't leave orders payed for with a credit card on your doorstep. Seeecrets: it doesn't matter who signs the slip, we just need a signature. Nobody checks. We're also supposed to look at your drivers license and credit card. I've only ever done that once, because nobody had a pen.

If you pay with cash, nothing pisses a driver off more than paying with a handful of spare change. Also, if, for example, you place a $12 order and pay with a twenty, tell us how much change you want back. I'm not stupid, and I know that 20-12=8. It's a subtle hint, jackass, that the driver would like a tip. If you need your change, say you need your change back.

After all that, the driver leaves and you rip open your bag, only to find that your sandwich has onions and you're missing your bag of BBQ Jimmy Chips. Please, call us back. Calmly and politely explain the problem. You will likely be given two options: either you can choose to be put on the promo log, in which case the next time you come in or order you can get whatever was screwed up for free. Or you can choose to have the items brought back out to you. If you are polite I will gladly (no sarcasm) bring your stuff back out to you as soon as is humanly possible. Hey, I make mistakes, and I know how frustrating it can be to not get what you want.

If you call back because YOU screwed up your order, and start yelling and screaming at us over the phone, we'll redliver your sandwich to you. However: we will be taking the other sandwich back with us (I don't care that you "already threw it in the trash", you're not getting a free sandwich out of us, unless you are super nice), we will only bring out your new sandwich when we have absolutely nothing else to do ("we were super busy"), and your new sandwich will be thrown as hard as possible against the door of the drivers car.

All in all, there are very few things that will actually, seriously piss me off. Swearing at me because your drunk and can't tell me what apartment you're in, and verbally abusing me or my co-workers is about it. If you do this, you will be blacklisted.

Bon Appetite.