Everybody Knows...

"Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows"

All of the Sororities on campus have contests for the fraternities each year to determine who their sister/brother "house" is going to be, and to raise money for their philanthropy. They're stupid, they're humiliating, and here at Pi Kapp, we always lose. Not for lack of trying, it's just that the odds are stacked against us. We're not the guys who throw big parties with free booze for everyone. We're not the guys who spike girls drinks. We're not a house of strictly six foot tall, blond haired, blue eyed white guys with spiked hair and popped collars.

Due to this, we're not a house the sororities like.

This week was Delta Gamma's Anchor Freeze/Anchor Man competition. I (foolishly) volunteered to be the Anchor Man candidate. Anchor Freeze and Anchor Man had nine events/criteria that the house and individuals were judged on:

1: T-Shirt Sales. I don't know what it is, but sororities looooove their t-shirts. 12 points were to be awarded to the house who sold the most. Out of ~40 guys, we sold two, and one of those was to an alumni.

2: Penny War. DG's philanthropy is Service For Sight/Aid to the Blind, so they had a "Most Beautiful Eyes" penny war. Pennies and dollars count for you, silver counts against you. We did ok in the Penny War, but our main focus was to stop th Alpha Houses.

3: Banner. You have to make a banner to hang out in front of your house. I painted mine on a white bed sheet with acrylic paints and a crappy old 2-inch brush. We didn't win.

4: Snow Sculpture competition. Some background: a few years before I joined the house, Pi Kappa Phi was almost kicked off campus after DG's Anchor Freeze. Why? We were deliberately snubbed and not invited to compete, so the guys back then took umbrage and constructed a giant anatomically correct phallus, with "D" and "G" painted on the left and right, and "Climb Aboard" painted vertically. The entire campus didn't take too kindly to that. This year, we constructed a pirate ship, complete with snow shovel sails and a phallus shaped prow tribute. We also had a guy drowning in the water with sharks circling. Yeah, we took first place.

5: Poem Reading. The Anchor Man candidates had to go over to DG's house and read them a poem. I was the only guy with mine memorized.

6: Attendance at "Ice Games". Considering how hard it is to get people to go to things, we managed to get over half of our house to go to the ice games.

7: Frozen T-Shirt Contest. You're given a t-shirt that's been frozen into a ball, and the first person to get their shirt put on wins.

8: 5-Man Skating Relay Race. Very few of the people in our house skate with any frequency. Three of our five skater fell down rounding the corner on the return leg.

9: Synchronized Skating. Our guys ended up doing something they saw on America's Got Talent. I was pushing for Jaws on Ice, but to no avail. We also had the sweetest matching uniforms, Zubaz (the uncle of one of the guys in the house was one of the inventors of Zubaz's). One thing that was really noticeable though, when the other houses came out to skate, all the girls from DG cheered. What happened when we came out? Silence.

Overall, we lost. But I'm happy that the biggest jerks of all didn't win (although they tied for Anchor Man). And even though I knew the fight was fixed from the beginning, it's still a little depressing to lose.